Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.