me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.