me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
You Might Also Like
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it