SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.