If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Breaking news:
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Beards are a privilege, not a right
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.