My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
You Might Also Like
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.