[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight