[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me My dog
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door