When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Good morning y’all ☀️
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.