Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
kevin is now a local weatherman
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
TWEET CALL
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[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”