Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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goldfish mafia
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once