[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.