It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”