what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.