Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
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I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
S/o to @funTweeters .
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager