If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.