ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Only short people can save us
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
But I really needed water water water
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.