I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
me hitting on a model
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)