I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar