i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great