Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
that lip filler tho
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot