*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
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“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
getting old is fun
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool