Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
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Bike is short for Bichael.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
channeling her this year
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!