I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
oh you like architecture? name three walls
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”