Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich