Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Thinking about Jeff
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles