Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
White parent Vs Arab parents
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby