The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I put the mess in domestic.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out