It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
The most important meal of the day is the next one