My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Mornin
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married