7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.