I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”