you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
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If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
The happy life.. 😊
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.