Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
You Might Also Like
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Breaking news:
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?