[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Tremendous stuff
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Rambo Rambow
Brb my Sims are getting married
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.