what the
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD