Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
See..?
.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?