me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
first you must answer his riddles
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Sticker placement is key.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely