For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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There’s always that one guy
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.