TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I think we should hear other voices.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail