This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.