CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.