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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Monica just destroyed the internet
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best