Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
You Might Also Like
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
plums roundup
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.