[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
A woman drives into a bar.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..