sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?