Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.