Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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Passwords are more important than ever.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
britain’s three elite institutions
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Every work meeting this week
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef