Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.