I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You Might Also Like
multitasking lunch
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
BRO LMFAO
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
New comic up. “Ransom”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.